There is a sense that once something is put into words it begins to waver.
Even if it exists only within my own mind, the moment it is expressed interpretation begins and something like fixed ideas starts to interfere.
I wonder if it is possible to extract that “something” as it is, but the very act of trying to extract it seems to damage it.
It is frustrating. And yet, it feels right.
Anything we desire already carries the recognition that it is not here now.
What I have been sensing recently is something difficult to describe: something that is there even though it cannot be seen.
There was no stand light on the table. And yet, there was.
This is where words begin to fail.
It was not that it felt like it was there. It was there.
Not something unseen that appeared, but something unseen that exists.
As if to resolve this contradiction, there came a day when I was led to place a stand light on the table.
There is perhaps a background to how I arrived at this perception, but the moment I begin to explain it I feel I am already moving away from it.
It might be easier to dismiss all of this as mere imagination.
Even now, I am seeing something different from what is visible, and I cannot explain it.
Calling it imagination would remove the contradiction.
And yet, it exists as it is, contradiction and all.
That is what led me to write this.
Perhaps I still lack the ability to express it.
I will return to this again someday.