When the fever-reducing medicine from the IV wore off, my temperature rose again. By the first night in the hospital it had climbed above 39°C, and the hours were quite difficult.
Tests for influenza and COVID came back negative. No one seemed entirely sure why the fever had risen so high.
Earlier, the doctor had explained that if the fever did not go down, the surgery would need to be postponed. Operating while a patient has a fever increases the risk of complications.
The fever was exhausting. The surgery itself was unsettling. If it were postponed, the rescheduling of work and communication would become another burden.
There was nothing I could control. All I could do was lie in the hospital bed.
By the second day the fever still had not subsided. The doctor informed me that the surgery would be postponed, and I was discharged temporarily.
Strangely, part of me felt relieved.
I know the surgery is necessary. It is not that I want to escape from it. Perhaps I simply wanted a little space.
After returning home my body began to feel lighter, and the fever gradually declined.
Did I merely postpone the problem?
It did not feel that way.
Whether this was the right outcome I do not know. Perhaps it was not.
Yet my sense kept saying quietly that it was alright.
Regretting things beyond my control would be pointless, and blaming myself would only create more harm.
The unexpected space may have no meaning. Still, if someone asked me now, “What would you like to do in this moment?” I wonder what I would answer.
In the dim hours before morning one thought appeared.
If I could simply play an ordinary sound, that would be a small joy.
For a moment I thought that perhaps I wanted a guitar. But that is not exactly correct.
I once devoted myself to music and owned guitars, yet many years ago I let them all go.
The sound itself did not feel absent. It already seemed to be there.
A guitar would not create the sound. It would simply receive it.
Tomorrow I will visit a music shop.
Perhaps I will buy a guitar. Perhaps I will not.
Either way it no longer feels very important.